Friends...

My world is an odd place lately.  I am still finishing a divorce.  I still have family.  I still have kids, though one is when only when the ex deems it okay.  Lately that's gone okay, though.  I have a lot of friends and acquaintances but for some reason I am still home alone most of the time.  I know these people care about me.  I know many of them hope that I'm okay but that doesn't really change how lonely I feel.  Every-so-often something will come up and someone will drag me out and that's a good thing.  I just wonder is this something that I am doing wrong?  I've never been good at getting together with people and lately the few times I've tried it's fallen apart more often than it's worked out.

It is a lonely place being a divorced single father when the kids you love are 1200 miles away.  I keep seeing all these people happy with there place in life and I selfishly wish that could be me.  What do I do to fix it?  Where do I go?  I'm not an outgoing person - I do okay with a friend or two around but I can't seem to find the people to do things with that works for me.  About once every week or two I manage to get together with someone and that's fun while it lasts but the fact that they just pop up quickly and then go away means I spend a lot of my time just looking for those opportunities.  I think a large part of me is scared that I'll miss then and just be alone longer.  The last two or three times I was supposed to meet someone it fell through for one reason or another.

I need out of this rut - I need to find a way to move on with my life.  It's not my choice to be where I ended up but that can't be an excuse to stay here.  I know this and I don't blame anyone for still being in this position.  It's my fault for finding comfort as a hermit for so many years.  I've let many a good friend pass me by and I didn't think twice about it.  Karma stinks in the end.  It's time to pick myself up by my bootstraps and figure out where I belong and just get there.